date: 2.19.2011
time: 9:23 PM
yes i'm clumsy, i'm not smart, i break rules, i do crazy shit, i dress the way i want, i'd rather stay up late at night to watch tv than to study, i talk back to defend myself not to be disobedient, i have been pampered too much by mother but i have and always will appreciate the things she has done for me. what about you? i make mistakes; life didn't come with fucking instructions to tell me what to do and i will learn it the hard way. but i will learn. i'm just not that perfect barbie doll. not every first step i take, it will be perfect. even a baby has to learn how to walk. they will fall for the first time but they will learn. if you keep scolding the baby for that first fall, do you think the baby will dare to stand up again? don't keep crashing my level of confidence. after being crashed so many times, confidence is not something that is easy to pick back up again. i get it that sometimes you scold me, you hit me to get me to learn. and here i am learning. i do things which you don't like, but i like. this is my life, isn't it? you are probably afraid of me going the wrong directions in life, but your constant bashing doesn't mean i would go the correct direction. there is a control, a limit on how much you should bash me and how much i can take it. you don't know how much i am going through and i blame you. you are unable to accept me in many ways and because of that, i have hide a lot of things from you. i am a human too, i am not some wonder woman with super natural powers that whatever you do won't have an effect on me. the saddest part is, you're related to me in flesh & blood, but how much do you actually know me? zero. it's ridiculous that when i shut up, you cool down and basically i'm just taking everything down my own throat. and you think i'm alright because i laugh about in the house the very next minute. how many times have i locked myself in my room to just let out my tears? i play the music loud to drown out the sounds of my crying but it seems that i am just playing computer games in my room and looks like i don't give a flying fuck. i do care but i don't dare to open up to you. in your own moment of fiery, you bring back up all my past mistakes and remain me again of that horrible little past which i fought to forget for years. that same reason that made me unable to trust you. i don't understand what the fuck is wrong with you and all the more i don't understand what i do to have a father like you. i will try to be perfect, but you have to learn to accept the way i am, daddy.
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