date: 3.04.2011
time: 8:16 PM
 i felt like i had lost the 2 most important reasons to live.
first reason, my mother. Mummy, you had always been supporting me in whatever i do. when no one else believes me that i could do it, you were the only one who had that faith in me. i told myself, i'd get a good career and take care of you in the future. i would not let you suffer like how you are suffering now. you had always been my motivation to do well in life.
second reason, myself. but these days, i have lost myself. i have never felt not being myself this way before. stranded. hopeless. useless. i have always tell myself to be strong for myself. but how long more strong do i have to be? the house is breaking down. we are tearing one another apart. irritated by one another. one after another, problems keep coming up. maybe it's suppose to make me a much stronger person in future, but i am still a human right. being the only child sucks too. there's no other sibling to turn to for a comfort hug. no other sibling to share the family problems with. there's so much going on. too much to handle. time does not stop.
maybe this is why she said to me that night "the impression that you're giving to me is that you're seeking love. it feels that you want to love and be loved." perhaps because of what happened, i seem to be dying for love. and i'm not suppose to.
so don't fall for me, please. i will only hurt you. because, i might not be loving you for who you are. instead, i might be loving you for the idea of being in love.
|
