date: 6.20.2011
time: 3:57 AM
"aiya, just live lah. one day, you will see something amazing." that's what she said. I've a lot of thoughts in mind and i don't know how to start typing it out. Everything seems to be stuck in one space of my mind. I'll start from when a person chooses the decision to leave me in whatever aspects; be it in a relationship or a friendship or perhaps in family (what has not happened before) do not expect me to keep trying to get you back. Put yourself in the same situation, I'm sure you'd find it ridiculous to make the first move when that person has clearly decided to leave you. If they want to have you back, shouldn't they be the one to make the first move? There are times when things changed, and the feeling is so drastic, I'll do whatever to try to get that person back however if that person is crystal clear about his/her decision, you will see that after a period of time, I've stop trying. Simply because, no matter what I do is going to be useless and I'll be nothing but an irritating pest. If I do make the first move, (which is after a period of time of not talking to that person), it could be because they're special to me and it's not because I like them in the lovers' way whatsoever, it's just who they are that makes them special. Ever met someone who just seems to be irreplaceable no matter what shit they do? It happens to me sometimes, and it's funny how I will just let things rest no matter how hurtful their words and actions might be (for someone who have low tolerance like me). Speaking of ignoring a person, I can't name one person whom I have seriously ignored when they talk to me. Losing contact, yes. Not speaking for a long period of time, yes. But when they do talk to me, I don't ignore. In the end, we're still talking even if we had a huge bitch ass fight in the past. Sometimes I think it's not about chances, but rather how time has cooled my mind or maybe what happened wasn't really something I should be angry about. There are indeed friends whom I have gone through a lot with; been through some of the worst conflicts, misunderstandings, mood swings, fights, yet we still went back together or never. She/he may not always have been there for me when I needed help but it's the moments of hanging out with each other, even a few mins of silence, just being there next to each other can overwhelmed all the fights that took place. But vice versa, there are some whom have always been there for me in times of need because they know when I'm not alright and ironically when fight takes place, things just changed like that and nothing was the same as before even if we still talk or we just grew to appreciate each other more.
There is constantly new people who I will know and some that I will get close to. If you people want to come and go, fine. At least be responsible and tell me the reason why rather than to leave me hanging there. It's like you all absolutely gave no hints whatsoever. Looking back at the start of this 2011 year, it's rather depressing to see how many people I've lost and going to lose.
Apart from what has been typed out, there's a small part of my mind that tells me to give in my all simply because I want to appreciate the people around me and regret nothing. Isn't there a saying "sometimes we don't see theres a diamond amongst the stones"? Then doesn't it always seems to be their loss, not mine as I've given in my all thus nothing for me to regret about? Changes; we change ourselves at some point of time in our lives. Looking back at our little childhood days, is there anyone who can tell me that they never have changed? There is 2 types of change that I have most often in people that I know of.
(i) changing to be a perfect person of all times, (ii) changing into someone cold and unhappy.
For (i), seriously, there's always someone out there better than us causing us to compare ourselves with that person or people. I do have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. There's always someone with a better smile, nicer clothes, a skinnier waist, brighter eyes, amazing hair, a better personality, more admirers, a better way of comforting the ones I love that I'm not able to. I'm being told a lot that I put myself down all the time and I'm self-conscious, if I were to change this part about me, perhaps I can see things from a totally different point of view. The number one step is probably, to love myself the way I am. Jealousy is really one of the worst feelings that a human should feel, and things that one person can do due to jealousy. For (ii), I read somewhere that the human mind is the most incredible organ in our body system and I have to totally agree to that. The mind is the one that tells us what to do or how to react. When one person has been hurt too much, either physically or mentally, the mind will instinctively tell the person to shut him/herself off from others thus leaving the impression that that person is rather cold. It's also during this period that the cells in the brain is not able to give off happy thoughts. It's a form of mental disorder and thus leading to unhappiness which can then lead to depression. Behind every depressive person, lies a story. Like what Janet told me: "Just be yourself." I do questioned myself this, "How do I know what to do to know that I'm being myself?" How should I behave?
I'm trying to understand myself more, and there seems to be so much more I need to learn. Handling bullshits and nonsense, and i mean really nonsense, especially from a man I had to address as father, is there a real reason why he is doing all these to me? Or does he just simply hates me? I'm not sure of anything as I'm really not catching any hints. I still ponder over what my lecturer, Luis, said to me. "Open your eyes more and you'll be able to see it." Have I not open up my eyes wide enough?
Can I say that life is just complicated, or is it just me making it complicated as I'm always thinking so much and taking too many things too seriously? Perhaps. At the same time, I felt that being a complete care-free person, the kind that doesn't think so much isn't too good for me either. There are just times when thinking too much helps me to think of different scenarios and how I should deal with each situations. This also leads to me being such a troubled person all the time. Ultimately, it's up to each individual how they face the different obstacles. I think there really isn't any right or wrong? Depending on how we tackle each problem, leads to our different points of views on how life is. Behind every action, there has to be a reason. (am i wrong?) Whether we know it or not, only the person him/herself seems to know it best. Behind the reason why I tend to take things so seriously. For example, a girl can have suicidal thoughts for a long time and even if she doesn't commit suicide, it doesn't mean she won't. Not committing suicide immediately could be her own way of giving multiple chances to herself or the people around her. It's like if that person writes on her public blog, it could mean something. If she writes on a private blog, then I think that's rather deadly. So if I come to know of such a thing, I would immediately ask her what's wrong and try to be there for her? So i don't know, is being seriously serious good?
As I look back at what I have been typing, it seems every of my sentence is contradicting one another. I could rant on and on but this post is already shit ass long. My conclusion would be that; ultimately, it's up to each and everyone and myself on how to handle problems. So she's probably right - Just continue on living and maybe one day I will see something amazing. *If you have read to the end, I thank you for your time to read my thoughts. And if you would like to share anything, leave a comment below this post or send me a message on facebook. I'm open for any of your thoughts and opinions.
Will be accompanying my grandmother to the hospital for her checkups. I hope everything will go on smoothly, and then meeting Janet to do some research in the library, and down to town to get some materials I need. (:
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