Dead tired, but I know I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.

Received an emergency call from Grandma's house at 5am this morning, her condition has worsen and she was semi unconscious. Things were pretty hectic at her house because the private ambulance from MAH (Mount Alvernia Hospital) was caught in a traffic jam. Leaving no choice, we called another ambulance which took her to NUH (National University Hospital) first, since she needed oxygen badly. I can see why she told me before that she hates NUH, even I hated them today. The departments are so screwed up; they kept pushing her from one department to another saying it's one another's job to treat a cancer patient. It's like what the fuck. spent freaking 20 minutes to finally get her settled into one department before she got attended to. If she/he was a critical heart attack patient, she/he would have died already. Not to mention, the china nurses were so rough with her. I completely bitched at this nurse, she just kept doing jabs till even I don't know if she actually knows what she is doing because the blur look on her face did not helped at all. And I completely don't understand her stupid heavily-accent chinese. After all was well and she was fully conscious, we request for a transfer to MAH, where she was warded immediately to Assisi Hospice, next to MAH.

Things were settled down and with a few relatives there to keep her company, I rushed back home and took Keegan to the vet appointment. The surgery took about 3 hours and another 30 minutes before she was conscious and ready to walk. The surgery went well, but they had to removed her womb and this tube inside of her with the growth. I was glad she was strong enough to live through the surgery, but the veterinarian said to keep an eye on her in case of any side effects, and this Saturday, bring her back for another round of checkup. Went back home and she fell asleep under my watchful eye. About 2 hours of staying at home, I went back to MAH.

The condition for my Grandma is that her life hangs on the line. The cancer has already damaged one of her lungs and once the other lung fails, her heart will stop. Now the only thing that keeps her going is her will to live which depends on her mind. The fastest estimation for her to go is these 2 days, and the longest is by the end of this week. I'll be staying overnight tomorrow evening since tonight I have to watch after Keegan. If anyone of you reading this and do wish to visit, please drop by.

Assisi Hospice (it's a department for the terminally ill patients)
820 Thomson Road 574623
Right next to Mount Alvernia Hospital.
You can take the feeder bus which will take you to Mount Alvernia Hospital outside Bishan Mrt station. Then, just ask around for Assis Hospice. Upon arrival, message/call me so that I can fetch you from Assisi Hospice's entrance.

If the fastest she's gonna go is these 2 days, I hope I can get to spend the last night with her. Please be strong a while more, it's my only wish I will ask of you. I hope tonight, nothing will happen. I hope I won't receive any hospital calls at midnight or so. The thought is frightening.

I never knew the feeling of watching someone fighting for their life and I'm just standing there, being so bloody helpless. All I could fucking do was just stand there and watched her suffer in pain. The thought from just now haunts me as I watched her grasp for breath. Knowing a death is drawing near, but I can do nothing except to watch her slip away from my life.

She told me something just now when she was conscious; "Don't live your life full of regrets. When you're at your death bed, thinking about the life that you've just lived, and have any regrets, it's already too late. That feeling is painful and unbearable. Ultimately, it's not how you die but how you live your life."

I hope nothing will happen tonight, please.