This lady, 89 years old this year. Lost her husband many years ago, depended on herself, struggled on and fought to keep her 4 children, (2 boys & 2 girls) and herself fed. When they were young adults, 1 of the girls committed suicide, the truth was never known except the girl herself. So once again, this lady lost another love one. Then they all became adults. The remaining daughter is now 55 and single. She lost the man she was suppose to marry years ago and was never able to find herself another man. The 2 sons found themselves each a wife, 1 of which, his wife couldn't give birth. They drifted apart and their love faded but they never signed any papers and no one knows why. He got himself a woman outside and hardly comes home while the wife became an unhappy grumpy woman. The other son's wife was able to give birth and there finally came about a granddaughter in the house. This 89 year old was joyous and always took her time to care for this granddaughter since young when both parents were working hard to buy a house else where. She never failed to tied the long hair of her granddaughter during school mornings, never failed wait with her granddaughter for the school bus, never failed to fetch her when the school bus comes home from school, never failed to cook meals whenever she's hungry, never failed to bring her to the market to buy candies on the weekends, never failed to buy her nice new clothes on shopping days. Those were the happy days. Then one day, everything changes. The father/son changed, and the granddaughter grew up, became rebellious in the family because of the father. This elderly lady acts like she doesn't know anything but she knew it all. Candies soon turned to money and she would always want her granddaughter to have what she deserve and need.
Today in the morning, received an urgent call from her. She complained she couldn't move, her legs felt numb. Called the ambulance and i immediately rushed down to her house. They took her to the hospital and i was there, into a totally panic mood. Soon, everyone in the family was there. The doctor said, "there's a tumor in her neck area and it has already spread through the blood to her legs. We need to do an operation, but even with an operation, it's a 50-50 chance. As she's 89 this year, her body might not be able to take the operation since this tumor has already weaken her body. Without operation, this tumor will weaken her entire body slowly. She won't be able to live past this year." After much debate, they decided not to go ahead with the operation. Everyone said positive things to her but i could see in her eyes that she already knew the truth. Each of them left for work etc, leaving me with her. She asked me, "mei, if i don't do the operation, i will die right? But if i do, i might also die on the operation table right?" I kept quiet. I couldn't bring myself to give her false hopes like the rest did neither could i bring myself to tell her the truth. Then she said, "haiya, what's the point of living anyway? I so old already. I might as well end my own life." I looked at her, shocked. But then she turned and hugged me, "but for you, i'll continue to live. I still want to see you get married." She laughs, but we both know that isn't going to happen. My aunt manage to take a half day off work so she came to take over and ask me to go home and rest. Throughout in the hospital, I never cried. When i got home, i fell on my bed and cried. It's then i realized what's the reason everyone in the family still stick together as one. It was because of her. They didn't want her to be upset. So when she's gone, what's going to happen?
I hate this year 2010. I'm sure i'll continue hating it. Why have i kept losing people? Why don't i'm the one that people lost? Why don't my life be taken away? Why am i still here to face all these bullshits from friends, people, father every single day. Be strong? Someone please be in my shoes and teach me how to be strong without breaking down.
As I'm here typing this, the tears can't seem to stop flowing. I can't sleep tonight and my demons seem to have haunt me back again. Cigarettes and alcohol please. And to whoever is reading this, don't fucking talk to me anything about this post. Just keep your mouth shut. Bear in mind this is my blog and I'm here to rant, not for attention from any one of you.
