date: 7.19.2011
time: 2:25 AM
Even if I tell myself to let go, by the end of the day as I think about the last 23 hours, I know I haven't let go; I'm back to square one. Even if I tell myself to stop loving, by the end of the day, the feelings are still there. Even if I tell myself to stop caring, by the end of the day, I still did. At the end of the day, it's all in the mind. Whatever you decide, whatever you think, however you react, it's all in your mind. How the mind works, is fascinating to me, but most of the time, things happen so quickly that I never had the time to stop and understand my mind. My actions, thoughts, comes faster than time could give.
Instead of trying to stop myself from letting go, loving, caring and negative thoughts, how about going with it. Instead of going against the 'current', I go with it. Would it be easier this way? It seems like I'm letting myself fall deeper into the pit hole, but I think it's about taking chances? Most of the time, wise people advise on how we don't see the other door that is already opened, so if we don't see it, how about opening the door that is already closed? Going backwards, do you say. It all sounds wrong, isn't it. But what if I say it means learning to live with it? You're not letting go neither are you holding on. For once, be a rebel and go against the odds. Don't want to let go? Then don't. Want to continue loving? Continue. Want to continue caring? Go ahead. Continue being stupid as what people says? Then so be it. You see your friends smoking and you want to try it to see if you will get addicted to it as what people says? Try it. Seeing people getting tattoos seem so damn cool and you want to do it? Do it. See your friends party all night and it seems fun that you want to play too? Go play. See people rebel against their parents because they decide that this is their own life, not their parents' and you want to rebel too? Be a rebel then. Take chances. Take risks. Without caring about the consequences. It's like living your life as you want to because forcing yourself to do something you don't like isn't helping either.
Sometimes being all logical, trying hard to get things to make sense is tiring, as much as having negative thoughts. So are we talking about balance now? As much as I cared, there are times when I don't feel like it. Just like the other day when a friend of mine was depressing all over facebook and I asked what's wrong. It's about her usual heartbreaks, so I asked her if she would want to meet up for a talk or chat over the phone, or take a walk around the park, or go shopping, but she refused every of my offers then my reply was: fine. Then her reply came: :(. My final reply was: go rot in a shit hole. She was shocked and of course, she hollered a string of rainbow words at me and I just leave it as that, not even replying a word of sorry. It's really something I won't usually say especially when someone is at their lowest point, not only that, I would usually apologised. But at this point of time, I felt like heybitch!ijustlistedalistofoffersbutsinceyourejectedeverysingleoneofthemthensobeit mood. It's like when people are so used to certain things you would say or do, and they expect those answers/actions but you gave them something new instead. I'm wasn't trying to be spiteful, I just felt irritated. It's like me trying all the best I could, and yet you already gave me the answer that whatever I'm going to do is going to be useless, but still want me to try more when there's nothing I could do already.
This a weird theory, I think. And as I tap on the keys on the keyboard, it's all in my mind. Again, it's the mind. It's up to one to believe what they want to believe in, decide and do whatever they want.
By the end of time, we all die anyway.
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