Because you met me
date: 8.20.2011
time: 2:16 AM
It's another one of those moments. those moments when i feel every shit that has happened, is happening to you is all because of me. all because you met me. all because you know me. you weren't like that when i first met you. you certainly would not have thought about your friends that way. sometimes they changed, but maybe because they thought you changed first? did I influenced you? advising you not to be stupid as to let everyone take you for granted for everything resulted in you treating people coldly, thinking that nobody cares about you now. made you hid in a hole, suffering alone, never letting anyone know your real emotions anymore. do you know that it hurts me to the core to see you behaving like this? did I hurt you without myself knowing it? everytime I talked to you, i can feel that you are no longer you. i'm just talking to a mask-ed up clone. watching you shrank away from society. i want to care, but i'm afraid to care deeper than i should. afraid to do anything that might hurt you. i love you, but what kind of love am i showing you. too afraid to do anything. even if back then before you met me, you were always being taken for granted and people would call you stupid, at least back then, you were expressive. your emotions would run wild, people know when you're happy or sad. at least back then, your friends had you. at least back then, you were you. if i had to choose, i'd rather that you didn't know me. what had been done cannot be undone. so, if i can choose now, i will just visit you once then walk away and not come back to mess up your life again. these are the moments when i feel you're just wasting your time talking to me. these are the moments when i feel i'm really not worth anybody's time. I've done nothing to deserve any of you in my life. I'm not even 1% close to perfection, all i'm doing is just trying to be there to help, but as time went by, i only dragged all of you into a deeper pile of mess. I want to think that i'm good enough for you, but reality shows me that that's not the case.
I can never do things right. not for my dad, not for my mum, not for myself, not for the people around me and lastly, not even for you. sometimes i ask myself why am i still standing here wasting a precious space from someone else who could be much better. if 19 years ago, the miscarriage baby was me, perhaps my brother could be the person my dad wants, give my mum what she needs, be the friend you'd always want by your side, be the lover you'd never want to let go of. my birth was purely accidental.
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