tell me why
date: 8.08.2011
time: 2:34 AM
Tossing and turning, I can't sleep. Tired physically, yet mentally I'm wide awake. Tons of thoughts cloud my mind, endlessly. It pains me, literal pain, when I see a few of my girlfriends and boyfriends being treated like toys by their partners; deep inside, I know that they deserved to be treated better but hell isn't going to end anytime soon. They are the ones, willing to throw aside their pride, kneel down on the floor, to just beg you to be with them. That's how much they love you. To them, loving someone isn't about flooding the person with hugs and kisses, gifts and surprises. To them, love can be as simple as just holding your hand gently and walking along side with you, cherishing each second as it pass. I can never understand people who two-timed. Be it boy or girl. I can never believe that these few people who are literal angels, are just another one of your flings. Yet, they tell themselves that it's alright. And they continue holding on to a relationship that isn't between the usual number of 2. But 3, 4, 5, 6 and god knows how many more. But here it is, reality, right before my very eyes. Maybe it's a reason why they are like angels to me. Always forgiving, always helping, always trying their very best for you, but only few can see it.
I think about it, and every of my relationships that I've been in. Some two-timed, others didn't. But every one of them didn't make it through with me was because of their ex. Either they still love their ex or their ex came back out of the blue and want them back, thus ruining the relationship. Why didn't their ex cherished them earlier? Why only when they had a new relationship and I am in it? There's such a common saying that if you really love someone, you wouldn't be wavered by another. Seeing this, of course I couldn't help but ask myself if each of them really did loved me before. It's like I'm never good enough, and probably never will be. History seems to repeat itself so much that I think the next one will also be the same. When I see any one of my ex get into a new relationship, I completely leave them alone. I know what it feels like to be hurt, and I never want to hurt the innocent other. I always tell myself that I'd rather be lonely for the rest of my life than to be like those lowly beings, destroying peoples' relationship. So why can't those ex(s) do that for me? Why must they come back ruined everything? Why can't they just let me have a nice relationship? I could rant on and on, bombarding the air with never ending questions, but no one has the answer except them. On one hand, I want to feel angry, but on the other, it's pointless because even if it's that person's fault point blank it always ends up to my disadvantage. It's insane, really. So in short, I get nothing but a deeper pit of shit.
I might have felt a little happy that at least, I have tried my best to hold on and not let go immediately, but having to fight alone, standing strong, hiding these emotions, and still the ultimate defeat came. Yet now, so many players around me. Toying with peoples' feelings. Is it fun to toy with people's feelings? How is it fun if your feelings was being toyed? I feel so annoyed that nothing ever seems to be right for people who completely put their heart into something. That's not even it. Even if it wasn't our fault, we still blame ourselves for it. For me, I just think that it's my fault for not being good enough, good enough for them to fight for the relationship against anyone who tries to sabotage it.
These emotions moulded me into what I had become, and I just wish someone would understand them, for one time's sake.
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