Love?
date: 9.09.2011
time: 3:18 AM
"When you lose someone, someone you love. When they break your heart. It's the hardest thing you could ever go through. And no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think that you're getting better, but then when you get a flashback, or hears a song that reminds you of a memory, it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest. You fall apart, for the hundredth time. You feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn't. They hurt you worst than you've ever been hurt. They stole your happiness. But yet, you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, it's not like you don't want to, but you can't seem to. It upsets you that you could be moving on, because you promised you never would. Even if they broke all of their promises, you still want to keep yours. On top of that, you're terrified. Terrified of getting hurt, for the same reason all over again. But it's not like it matters, because at the end of the day you're still thinking about the person who has left you completely broken. You don't want to miss them anymore, you don't want to love them anymore, but you know you always will. Somehow." - Megan Leigh.Everything that I'm doing, it seems to related you in some ways or another. Even, just randomly watching a gore movie. Your name appeared in Final Destination 2, twice. Ironic, isn't it? Probably one of the most-not-so-related-to-you proves me wrong. Of course, I cannot blame anyone. Names can be common, names are everywhere. But why such coincidence? Just a mere little scene and every single sort of memories flashes back. Everyday in life, I see couples everywhere. When they laugh, I'm reminded of how happy we once were. When they look at each other's eyes lovingly, I'm reminded of how we could never stare into each other's eyes for long then break into little fits of giggles + blushing red cheeks. I don't even need you beside me, nor see your face to be reminded of all these little simple moments. It's these simple moments which are the best memories (in my opinion) that really gets me. Not the sad memories, but the best. Because I know it probably won't ever happen again. I'm tired & I'm annoyed. Being stuck here what seems like forever. I have to stop, and all everybody says is to let time heal. But why does it take so long? Everyday I'm just here dwelling in my own emotions so much that I want a fast forward button. Just fast forward and place me to the period which I'm over all these, to the time where I was more carefree getting over a past relationship before having a new one. Sometimes I wonder if telling myself: "I will find someone better," actually helps. If for one, I'm having such difficulties getting over a person, wouldn't I fall harder, hurt more, have much more difficulties getting over the next better person?
And I realised, I still care a lot. It's just that I no longer show it like how I used to. Inside, I still wonder how's your life, how you're doing. But I won't ask as much because it will only pressurize you and it really isn't helping me either. I aren't the toughest out there, nor the best fighter but I'm proud to say that I've fought long and hard. I've done everything that I possibly could. Having blessed you about finding a girl who'd at least treat you well, not like a toy, is one of the hardest things I did for you. As this little heart of mine still has you but it didn't stopped me from blessing you, all the same. The urge of seeing you being happy rises above everything else; I will never bring myself to destroy your next relationship no matter what you had done.
By the end of the day, I'm aware that many of these were my choices and I've to face my own demons.
"I am unhappy. I'm broken. I'm fallible. And lastly, I'm helplessly hopeless."
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