Life isn't stopping, unless I do
date: 10.03.2011
time: 4:17 AM
Thoughts of death clouds my mind every once in awhile when things in everyday life gets shitty. One of the worst feelings is probably knowing that I can't do anything but just to accept it. However, sometimes I realised that if I had really, really wanted to die, I would have, a long time ago. I wouldn't be bothered to be sitting here pouring out my feelings into these keys. I would just be gone, there and then. Been months since that awful night, been months since I lost a few close friends, been 2 months since Ho Wai Fong has gone to be with God. One after another, darkness seem to swallow me up. But the fact that I've seen today's sunrise and nightfall tells me that I've yet survived another day, and every 24 hours that passes by is another step away from those darkness. Perhaps, I'm actually looking forward to things that aren't obvious to me at some point of time. - how my first tattoo ink would feel like, how I would enjoy drawing my face of a canvas in the world of makeup, how I can be myself after I told my mother everything about me, who's going to be the next to walk out of my life, who's death would it be next, what will become of everyone, what kind of person would I be as I age, who's going to be my next sweetheart/heartbreaker, who's going to fight for me as much as I would do to them all because they think that I'm worth the efforts.
No doubt, there are really some things that I don't want to know, I don't wish to see, but this isn't the last of everything, more will come for as long as I'm alive. This won't be the last time I have to lose people, this won't be the last death of my love ones, this won't be the last breakup, and all the more, this won't be the last time I have to go through pain. Bound to trust more people, and bound to ... fall helplessly in love.
School's starting again later. Lord save me.
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