date: 5.23.2012
time: 5:13 AM
I enjoy spending time alone with my thoughts. It might be harmful, yet it's fascinating in some way. I have been asking myself about all these that had happened. It is a form of karma for me? Is there something bad that I have done in the past? I really want to know what I have done and why these things happen. I believe that they will happen again, and I will ask myself the same question over again. It might be a question in which I will never find out an answer to. My brain churns through every single memory, in hopes of finding out an answer to tell me that karma is playing it's penalties on me. Because when I don't have the answer, my mind tells me that life is unfair. But my heart knows that that's not the case, yet I don't have my answer. Maybe it's my attitude? All those times I said the wrong things and hurt people? Maybe I wasn't there enough for them when they needed help the most? Maybe this, maybe that.
Happiness can be so short-lived sometimes. Or maybe it's just me. Since I tend to let things get to me, of course happiness seems to be so short-lived. I would feel like when things seems to be perking up, something else would bring it all down. At the same time, because happiness seems so short, all the more I would enjoy it to the fullest, mentally snapshoting them into memories before they disappear. Despite that, it does come with a price. When all is lost, those memories are the ones to hurt. Almost like a set of reminders to remind me that they will never happen again, that all these snapshots are the only thing I've got. As much as it hurts, each of these mental images are still beautifully played. I should consider myself lucky actually. Lucky enough to be able to have them in the first place.
Placing out a point, and contradicting over that point with another. I feel like I have these 2 different sides of me which is always at war with each other. My emotions are very messy, indeed.
On a different note, I like yesterday ☺☺ With some of the awesome peepo, crazy conversations accompanied with ciggs. I love spending time with people like that. People whom I can get from heart-to-heart to absolutely random and stupid topics. Plus, seeing lots of gay people on the street. Definitely awesome.
Love and care anyway. I just hope I won't become a cold stone.
Aiy.
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