die die die die die die die cant i just die already
date: 6.23.2012
time: 3:07 AM
I'm suppose to be exhausted by now.
All that smoking and almost just a meal each day because I'm not hungry, with no shuteye for close to 48 hours now, it is taking me by surprise that I haven't collapse on the floor. It's kind of funny when I recall my days in Kuala Lumpur, those days were so care-free. I don't know how I did it. Perhaps it's because I was in another place, it feels so much easier not to care about anything - like an escape route from things. I felt free. I felt light. I ate like a pig. My sleeps were undisturbed. All in all, I felt great. Almost every time before, I would want to come back asap because it felt like I had something to look forward to or a special person I can't wait to meet again. But this time, it's empty. Now that I have got back, everything is in its opposite. I feel chained. I feel heavy. I eat as though there's some world war 3 going on. Nightmares filled my sleep or no sleep at all. I feel weak.
Nevertheless, I can't run away from problems. I can't stop things from happening. I can't stop people from feeling what they felt. I can't stop people from doing what they had to do.
I hate this feeling of watching something I love, leave me. I hate this feeling of watching death touch something I love. Especially after I have grown so attached to them. I really hate it. It eats me up, you know?
Who else is gonna leave? Please do so right now. All at once is so much better than one by one, right? Lol. Why do things only happened after special ones leave? This extra load of emptiness. It'd be nice to have their hug right now or meet them the next day would be good? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha obviously not happening.
Going to see Keegan at the clinic later in the morning and get to spend hours with her. Yay
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