your opinions matters ... just not to me anymore
date: 7.07.2012
time: 4:53 AM
So this is what it feels like to be ignoring someone completely.
Even when they seek for forgiveness and help, even when they tell you that they need you. It's not that I'm unforgiving, it's simply because I tell myself that I can't deal with you anymore. I'm unsure of the future but at least not now, not soon, not for as long as I want to stay this way. Maybe to you and the people around you, I haven't done enough. I'm just like those people of your past. I could only console myself that at least I really tried, hard. I gave up because nothing I did nor came up with is helping. When I try new solutions, it comes up with new problems. Then I try another set of solutions to tackle the new problems, a newer set of problems comes running - so on and so forth.
In this midst of finding solutions, it leads to me not getting enough sleep at night because I'd be thinking so much about what I should do. Which leads to me being very lethargic in the day. Which means I can get nasty to people. I don't want that to happen. I don't need to flare up upon innocent friends. It's a good chance to control my temperament, although you can say that I took the easy way out instead - smoking a lot to get drowsy so that I can get enough sleep, undisturbed. The night before was the first time in a good 3+ months that I had an undisturbed sleep, in the comfort of my bed. Insanely, it became a solution for me because it felt good. But puffing too much till Mummy had smelled it when I got home. No accusations yet, just questions. All of which, I already had planned answers. Not a good thing to be doing if you ask me.
You are not a very very important person in my life. The way I see it between us is just a mutual friendship - nothing more. You don't even know my full name. I can only hope that you'd find someone who can help you.
I wonder, this is perhaps how it felt like to be dating me? Trying all the solutions that one could, but nothing helped? I guess I can now fully understand the hearts of those who had been it through with me. I think it was much worst for them, lol. Ah well. Only have myself to blame for those people ending things the way they did and this is probably karma's way of letting me know how it feels. Which reminds me that the way I'm reacting now, karma will probably have it back at me in the future. Perhaps. Let's see what life has in-stored for me aye?
Holygerdpie, what a rant. Shall sleep. Running errands later.
A mental note to finish this pack asap.
I can't hide it from Mummy forever :/
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