In the early wee hours of thursday's morning, mother fainted at home. Rushed her to the hospital. I was very scared. So afraid that something bad is to come. I remembered that years ago, we were never on good terms. We always had conflicts. I hated the man in the house and then I hated her because she was always on his side. He tried to destroy us apart and he did during that period of time. Slowly, I drifted on and away from them, and on with my own life. Everyday just felt like, well nothing. I didn't know what friends are for. They were just there. 'Friends' just seem like a dangerous word to me. But things started to come to light when one day, she and I unconsciously sat down at home to talk. Through that, we bonded a lot. It was that day, I understood my mother and she understood me. She never knew what was going on with my life - I did my homeworks and hand them up on time. I went out but never came back super late without a valid reason. I had friends but never a so called best friend. I drifted away from her and the man, but not to the extend of destroying my life. I kept my own humane values because I want to and felt like it.
Now the only thing that could tear us apart was death. I was terribly afraid of losing her that day. I felt blank. I felt empty but full of energy even though I hadn't had a shuteye since 48 hours before. I felt my insides going all hysterical and losing control but kept a calm face. These past 2 years, I lost countless of people. I guess, everyone does too. It hurts so much, doesn't it? Sometimes it hurts so much that instead of pain, you feel sick of it all. When someone says they want to leave you, sometimes all you could say is "yeah whatever, just leave." So what you put your pride down and cry/beg for them to stay? They leave if they want to. They decided that it's you that they want to continue on without. What more can you say? Annoy them even more with your presence? Of course not.
If mother left that day, or anytime soon, honestly, I don't want to continue living. I don't want to live with the douchebag. I don't find myself having that kind of strength to. We all have our own stories; I have my own. I have my reasons. I want to give up upon everything. There's nothing else left for me down here once mother has left. I sound selfish, don't I? That's what everybody will say.
I'm kind of afraid to love another person.
我累了。真的很累。