My love for weird things never fail to remind me - why I had never worked out with anybody else. At least, not now, not soon, not yet. Well, one could tell me, "You're still 20 years young." But I'm not talking about when I'm 20 or the next two years. I'm talking about even after a numeral years later. Of course, it's not to say that I won't take opportunities, I would, - if the feelings are mutual & we both want a relationship. Of course, I would appreciate a relationship that's able to stretch over a year or two or a couple of years - a relationship which I'm able to go through a lot together with the other person.

It was me watching society in general and talking to a couple of friends yesterday that triggered thoughts like these. Society seem to open up a little by little each day, but the country that I'm in, it's not much. A friend is going to get engaged soon, another is hoping for an ever-lasting relationship (by ever-lasting I mean like a 10 year plus/for life) and they asked me if I'm hoping for any of such. I thought about it and the answer which came up was, 'no'. I think my weirdness is more happily appreciated in the friends zone. "It's cool to have a friend like you" sort of thing. Thoughts about dating, being in a relationship? I think that takes rather a lot of courage. Maybe in the short term, it's easy. But in the long run, well, I would go with my answer that it takes a lot of courage.

And here's the thing. I strive so much in love, emotions and wanting to care for another, but along with those comes with a package of too much weirdness. Sometimes I feel that I put people on this dangerous thin line - they get attracted to the nice side which I seemed to have unintentionally made them fall and then suddenly I throw them a whole bucket of my weirdness which shocks them off their feet. Just like that, they get caught in between. Is it just me or could I just tell that sometimes, some people are too blinded to the extent that they do not see that they really can't accept the weird side of me? It's not a bad thing, I don't blame them but they start to be in too much denial. They feel that as long as they like my nice side, my weird side isn't important. Well, it is. The weird side makes up a huge part of me.

Only less than a year, I had already burnt a relationship, a couple of minor ones and in the midst of caring for one. Maybe I'm just weaken out and thus, in denial about hopes of a lasting relationship. It goes to a point that right now when some people tells me, "Don't worry, have hope. You'll find the right one who can accept you. Have faith" I get annoyed. It's not that I no longer have such hopes & faith, it's just more like, I'm not looking for that kind of hope ... yet.

Lol. I don't think I'm doing a very good job either at accepting people. I would try, I would compromise but my accepting seems more like the 'I'm used to it' instead.

No idea what I'm typing right now. Shall stfu and lay my head to rest.
Goodnight, love.



"We were always just that close,
or was I just dreaming?
Because how come when I reach out my fingers,
it feels like more than distance between us?"